“Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right choices in my life. Not only about the big things, like what college to go to, or where to work and so on, but also about the little things: like if I should have gone to watch Spiderman at the matinee session or at the midnight special, or if I should have gone to Rachel’s party instead of staying in last Saturday. The little things are crucial.”
“I didn’t floss for three months after my wife left me. Now I floss ten times a day — in part to make up for lost time, but also, I’m not getting any younger, and I used to smoke. I’ve got to make the best of what I have left.”
“There are many types of love, and all of those types of love have sub-categories and so on, so that in essence, love is really a compound universal.”
“I was on a date last week and the guy, Bryan, asked me if I like music. My first thought was, “Well this is going to be a terrible, tedious date.” Instead of saying that, I said, “Who doesn’t like music Bryan? Could you live without music Bryan?” He replied, “I think so.” So I got up, turned around, left the restaurant, walked home, and put on a record. It was much better company than Bryan.”
“In 2017 an asteroid will hit Mongolia killing 73% of the population in Northern Asia. The aftershock will topple the great wall of China and human civilization will finally see the truth.”
“My father left me, my husband divorced me, my son hates me, and my boss underpays me. In short, my track record with men is less than stellar. I’m not exactly sure why.”
“Can you believe she likes Jim. It doesn’t make sense. I mean I guess he’s good looking, but is it really that shallow. He has the personality of an iceberg: You don’t see 90% of it, and the 10% of it you do see is dirty ice. I just hope he’s good in bed.”
“How can you tell the exact moment to plant the good night kiss on the other’s lips? That first kiss that insures that we aren’t going to be just friends, because I like like you, and I think you like like me too. When is it the right time to seal that date with a kiss? To conclude that moment with a gesture of pure sentiment that stops all self doubt, for an instant?”
“Are you a cat person or a dog person? If I had to choose between the two I’d have to say I’m a dog person — a pug person, to be exact. But if I’m being honest, I’m a bird person. I like birds.”
“Why do we value ‘civilization’ so much? I mean, really, what’s so great about highways and soda-pop?”
“Listen, and listen good boy! The choices you make today are going to shape the rest of your life. There’s no such thing as fate. That’s bullshit, and you know it. There are two things in life that count: hard work and work ethic, so pucker up and get down to it kid.”
“My husband, well ex-husband, liked to wear boxers at home. I don’t mean he would just wear boxers to go to bed. Oh no! The minute he walked in the door, off came the suit and out came the boxers. They were always these pairs of ugly mismatched striped polyester. I must have bought him fifty boxers, but he never wore them. The worst part was that even if people came over he wouldn’t put on clothes. He would stay in his boxers with the thermostat turned up to sauna level in the middle of winter. He would say, ‘Ronnie, a man’s home is his castle and the kings crown is made out of polyester by Joe Boxer.'”
“So then this cop walks up to me, right, and he says, he says, ‘Danny, what the fuck! This is the sixth time this month I’ve had to put you in the drunk tank. You can’t keep this up.’ And I says to him, I says, ‘Six times, that’s awful funny, I can’t remember the other times, and you know what they say: “If ya don’t remember it, it never happened.”’”
“I don’t understand the appeal of baseball as a sport. It’s the only sport I know where you can be middle aged, fat, chew tobacco and be considered a star for doing nothing more than hitting a ball once in a while. It defies all of the principles of sport, besides teamwork, maybe. And it’s just so boring.”
“So, what about us? What about all the people who prefer other animals to cats and dogs? What about ferret people, and fish people, and rabbit people, and pig people? What about us?”
“Last week I saw an abandoned stroller on the shoulder of the highway. I felt distressed when I saw it. I am still distressed, but now I understand it.”
“Hegel’s dialectic of the universal and the particular has already been solved in art. When one mines the depths of one’s soul for their particular truths they generally come out with, or produce if you will, something with a universal quality. Therefore, the synthesis of the universal and the particular happens in art. Our goal, thus, as a civilization, becomes to transform life and our society into art. Thus, achieving the self-actualization of geist.”
“It just really gets lonely you know. I have a number of friends and plenty of acquaintances, but they can’t substitute the companionship of real love. All the gossip in the world can’t replace a true love’s embrace.”
“My mom finds it strange that I like snails. So what?! Like who cares if I like snails? It doesn’t hurt anybody. At least I don’t like Wild Turkeys and Caribou like her.”
“I hated it. I mean I really loathed the boxer bonanza in our household. So one day to show him how it feels to be married to someone allergic to clothes, I wore my oldest granny panties and matching bra. All day. I even invited the neighbours over. He seemed fine with it until that night, just before bed he told me to put some clothes on and to never do that again. He said I was obscene.”
“I took the next day off work and burned all of his boxers in the backyard and left him there, on the spot, high and dry.”
“Listen officer, I’m a nice guy, you know. Like everyone says I’m a nice guy, and I mean, you’re a nice guy right, you know what it’s like. Nice guys always finish last, and I just wanted to finish first for once in my life. And she seemed nice too, you know. I thought she liked me. Why would she do this to me officer? I just wanted to see officer, I’m a nice guy, you know, I swear.”
“I floss at least six times a day. It’s much more important for dental hygiene than brushing your teeth, but it’s never advertised, so no-one does it. It’s because the big dental care companies make more money off toothbrushes and mouthwash. Do you think dental floss brings in more money for Colgate than toothpaste? Dream on! Yet, no matter how much toothpaste you use, you could still get a cavity. But if you floss, you won’t ever get one. It’s foolproof.”
“Who the fuck is Hegel?”
“He looks like Mickey Rooney. Do you remember Mickey Rooney? I watched all of his movies . . . When I was a little girl I used to look like Shirley Temple. People would always say I looked like Shirley Temple.”